I made a decision some months ago to return to school, and it has been a difficult road. It was difficult at first because I didn't know where I wanted to go or what to study. I researched and found a couple of compelling places and subjects, so I pursued more info. Some were very expensive, some didn't feel right, and in the end I chose Whitworth University because I felt at home on the campus. And the price no longer mattered. I chose Graphic Design because it sounded new and interesting. Sure, I've done a bit of design work, but what was it really?

After getting my acceptance letter I had two months to get ready. I had a small hesitation for a moment, but got past it. After two months, I finally moved to Spokane and was "ready" for school. No, it was then I had some sort of panic attack and practically didn't come out of my room for a day. My mind reeled from all the things I was attempting in one swoop. But then I had an orientation meeting on campus and things started looking up.


Madness takes its toll, so please have exact change.


I've been reading a book on off lately and it has talked about madness. The book describes itself as "short notes on accepting failure, embracing life, and rising to your destiny". I like it. One of my favorite notes says:

"The Warrior of the Light does not worry that, to others his behavior might seem quite mad.

"He talks out loud to himself when he is alone. Someone told him that this is the best way of communicating with the angels, and so he takes a chance and tries to make contact.

"At first, he finds this very difficult. He thinks that he has nothing to say, that he will just repeat the same meaningless twaddle. Even so, the Warrior persists. He spends all day talking to his heart. He says things with which he does not agree, he talks utter nonsense.

"One day, he notices a change in his voice. He realizes that he is acting as a channel for some higher wisdom.

"The Warrior may seem mad, but this is just a disguise."

(Paulo Coelho, "Warrior of the Light".)

Upon reading this entry, I felt better about all the seemingly pointless wandering and wondering I had been doing. And then, everything finally started coming together. So now I trust my madness. You may call it inspiration, divine revelation, or whatever, but I call it madness. Sure, I felt well and confident at moments, but they were always confounded with doubt and fear.

But I had decided to go through it this time and it was utter madness in the end. It was madness when I decided to live in a complete stranger's house while I moved to a completely different city to go to a completely new university to study a somewhat foreign subject to me. Without madness, I would have gone back to my dungeon and played video games to drown out the world. Hell, I even changed my major after one day because the Art-Graphic Design major didn't feel right. (I'm in Computer Science now if you didn't catch that before.)

Now that madness has run its course, I feel amazing, and I look forward to the next mad whim after university. To madness! For it gives 5 cents when there's no sense.